Healthy Roommate Relationships

Certainly the worst thing that “The Big Bang Theory” ever did for society was mock Sheldon for drafting a roommate agreement. Obviously, much of its content was odd. However, anyone who has ever lived with anyone else can recognize that the potential miscommunication and mismatched expectations between roommates are limitless. Anyone who has had a particularly tough run will also be willing to consider trying proactive communication to prevent most of these problems the next time.

I cannot recommend this enough: having some form of roommate agreement gives you something objective to fall back on when you each remember a situation differently, and it’s a fantastic example of the Pareto principle: put in 20% effort to prevent 80% of problems.

I’ve footnoted my template for things to sort out with your roommate when you first move in together* (only nine items), as well as the complete agreement from my senior year of college**, a year where three 21-year-old boys managed to keep a clean, organized apartment and even made our neighbors envious of our mature communication. You’ll see that this doesn’t need to be a multi-page contract, just quick chore divisions and ground rules. 

I also want to offer three principles to keep a roommate relationship positive across your months or years together. These build on the foundation you set with your agreement and allow you to productively discuss the problems that inevitably still arise. If you want to avoid reaching the point where one roommate puts the other's dirty dishes out on the porch (as my former roommate felt fed up enough to do to his earlier former roommate), then Do More, Say More, and Think More.

Do More

Across all of my roommate situations, it has been the case that each person genuinely believed they did more work than the other(s). With three or more people, it is no longer obvious who left a mess or failed to complete a chore, and it becomes incredibly easy not to do something you should. 

In my case, emptying the dishwasher in senior year was assigned to “whoever notices it first.” Sometimes I would hear one of my roommates moving plates and come over to help. Other times I opened the full, clean dishwasher, took out just the utensils I needed, then closed and locked it again to suggest I hadn’t. You could go so far as to call that lying, not that I was ever asked about it.

You have to learn to sit with that feeling that you’re shouldering an unfair share of the work, and still go the extra mile, because in all likelihood, your roommates feel the same way. Besides, if you go sufficiently above your requirements that it’s clear to everyone you’re doing more of the work in a particular area, then your roommates have nothing to say against you when you ask them to pull their weight.

Keeping count of who has completed shared tasks can work if everyone remembers to use the chart, but again, the goal here is not to let trust deteriorate to that point.

Say More

Healthy communication deserves a whole book, and this section will not be remotely comprehensive. I just have had rough relationships and friendships, situations that were often only 10% bad action and 90% failed communication, and I want to state what I learned from them: 

“The single biggest problem with communication

is the illusion that it has taken place.” -George Bernard Shaw

or

“ASSUME NOTHING, AND ALWAYS SAY THE THING.” -Me

• If your roommate does something that upsets you, ASSUME NOTHING AND ALWAYS SAY THE THING.***

• If there is anything that would upset you if your roommates or their guests did it (e.g. smoking inside with closed windows), but it hasn’t come up yet and might even be unlikely to ever come up, ASSUME NOTHING AND ALWAYS SAY THE THING.

• If you need some space, or an extension on chores because of something else pressing in your life, but you’re sure your roommates can pick that up from other things you’re saying or doing and you’re sure it won’t be an issue anyway, ASSUME NOTHING AND ALWAYS SAY THE THING.

• If you’re grateful for something your roommate did, or if things have just been normal for a while and you realize it’s nice your roommate isn’t a dick, ALWAYS SAY THE THING. And sometimes just thank your roommate that the place looks/smells nice because they did their chores, even though it’s their contractual obligation and you have the same chore workload and a much harder academic workload. Everyone likes their efforts to be validated.

• If you’re about to walk away from a conversation and you didn’t say something you wanted to, or there’s even a 1% possibility you aren’t on the same page, ASSUME NOTHING AND ALWAYS SAY THE THING.

• If you’ve already left the conversation, GO BACK AND SAY THE THING. Send a text if you need. Do not let it go unsaid. Many of us can feel defensive or just anxious in a difficult conversation, and only later remember or understand something that you’d like to communicate. It’s better to reopen the conversation then let it become a huge problem later.

• If it’s your roommate that’s expressing something, ask as many questions as you need to, and ask them to repeat themselves as many times as you need to, until you understand. ASSUME NOTHING. Then make clear what you are okay with and what you will do.

Your roommates are going through life focusing on their own feelings and own issues. They are seeing everything through the lens of their experiences, which are very different from your experiences—even if you’re siblings. 

Even if you live with someone who loves you, your roommate will not always notice when you’re upset nor know how to prevent/rectify it if they even have the time and mental energy to try. We need communication to close this gap. Unfortunately, communication is also really messy. We sometimes don’t know what we want or how to ask for it, and we can completely misinterpret simple statements. The deeper we dig and the more effort we put into communication, the closer we can get to understanding one another. Thankfully, really trying in one conversation helps us in future conversations, making it the most worthwhile investment.

Think More

Honestly, implementing these ideas assumes that your roommates share an interest in working on things. In addition, it can be really hard to apply this with family, trying to rework a habit or dynamic that’s been entrenched for years. This advice is meant for moving in with a person you haven’t lived with before, who is at least an okay person (the vast majority of people) and who can get behind the idea of setting ground rules upfront. This advice ensures two or more normal people don’t come to resent each other when better communication could have kept them as allies or friends. 

We can’t always control who we live with. What we can do is use our past experiences to inform who we choose to live with moving forward and what we ask of them.

Before you decide to move in with someone, think about what worked and didn’t work with previous roommates, and what’s non-negotiable for you. It’s completely reasonable and valid to present this as a checklist to prospective roommates and ensure that your baseline needs will be met. Even if it’s your best friend, talk about these essentials with them. Assume nothing, and always say the thing.

When you get upset with your roommate, or your roommate shows that they’re upset with you, remember this:

What Happens When Something Happens Between Two People

1. One event. This could be known to both parties, or could happen to one person with the other not knowing.

2. Two interpretations of the same event.

3. Two (or more) emotions caused by the interpretations.

4. Two updated views of the other person that inform thoughts and decisions moving forward.

Beginning a conversation at Step 1, or going back to Step 1 if the conversation didn’t start there, can take a lot of sting out of a confrontation and stop people from becoming defensive and uncooperative. Starting with the facts, using “I” statements for everything after, and considering that your interpretation is likely different from another person’s, will save your life. Sometimes you’ll be mad at someone else and you’ll just be wrong about the situation. In plenty of other cases, there won’t be a right or wrong party, and thinking through it on your own or talking about it together will stop people from deciding there is.

Lastly, if you put thought into your roommates’ wellbeing every so often, you’ll create a more positive environment and potentially invite reciprocation. Send quick texts like, “Going shopping, is there anything you urgently need,” or “Btw my flight’s at 7 tomorrow so I’ll be up super early, sorry if I wake you.” Think about what would be helpful for your roommates to do for you, and lead by example. That said, you can’t resent your roommate if they don’t reciprocate. If it’s important to you, assume nothing, and always say the thing.

*For any roommate situation:

• Chores

• Guests

  • Heads up / permission

  • Resources shared with guests

• Quiet hours

• Food division and groceries

• Time we spend together

• Rent and utilities payments

  • Acceptable usage (gas bill in the winter)

• Temperature

• Closed doors

• Placement of belongings, decorations

**My senior year roommate agreement:

-Locking doors: front door locked, back door locked when no one is here or sleeping

-blinds: closed at night

-turning lights off

-knock before you enter closed doors

-AC (summer): 74 during day, 70 at night

-Quiet Hours (weekday): 12AM

-Quiet Hours (weekend): 2AM

-send a text when guests come over

-permission needed for overnight guests

-shopping for other people is encouraged

-grocery trip once a week

-generally clean up dishes right away, at most within 24 hours for messes of unreasonable quantity

-Wednesday night dinner together

-Saturday grocery shopping

Chores:

-dishwasher: whoever is there first

-dishes: do your own, but do others as needed

-vacuum/swifter: Leo

-bathroom (sink, toilet, shower): Jonah

-trash: Daniel

-recycling: Jonah

-fridge cleanup - once a month

-kitchen clean up: Daniel

-chauffeur: Leo

***I force myself now to give people maximum benefit of the doubt. If I haven’t told someone that a certain action upsets me, I’m not allowed to be angry at them for doing it (I only allow extremely obvious exceptions, like punching me in the face. The point is to assume as shared understandings as possible). If they do it a second time, but I didn’t tell them after the first time that I was upset, then this is not a repeat offense. I’m still not allowed to be angry (i.e. I can feel angry, but I can’t hold it against them). I don’t get to be angry until I’ve told someone “Don’t do this,” MAKE SURE THAT WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE AND MY REQUEST HAS BEEN CLEARLY COMMUNICATED, and then they do it again. This philosophy has helped me let go of small things and resolve big things.