Less Successful Plagues God Inflicted Upon Egypt to Persuade Pharaoh to Let the Israelites Go
by Jonah Goldberg
Infomercials.
The water turns to puddles that follow the Egyptians underfoot, so that every step they take causes their foot to splash and become wet.
More locusts.
The Lord appeared to Moses in a pillar of cloud and decreed what He would do. And Moses said, “My Lord, the previous plague of locusts did not phase the Egyptian royalty. They remained sheltered and the slaves only suffered more.” And the Lord said, “I hear that, Mo. But I swear the problem was quantity, not quality. Twice as many locusts will fix everything. Trust me.”
Egyptians face increased encounters with people that they used to know, but not very well, such that they are unsure whether they should greet the other person or otherwise what the correct protocol is to be.
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Pharaoh gathered his ministers in the palace and sought interpretation of a dream, which he feared foretold of future misfortune. Once he had recounted his visions, one minister stepped forward. He bowed at Pharaoh’s feet before speaking.
“Your majesty, perhaps we should focus on the present until we have divined the future. My men and I have been seeking to understand and handle the consequences of when our water was turned to blood.”
“And what have you found?” Pharaoh inquired. “You may have the aid of my royal magicians if there are ways to re-purify the water.”
“Well, as you know,” the minister answered, “the nutritional value of the water we consume each day is now lower than ever, and that causes an abundance of health issues, like poor complexion. I work with a team of world class doctors and scientists that have figured out an effective way for people to get proper nutrition, by adding just a few natural products to their usual diet. Do you know anybody that could use products like that?”
“Is not everyone in this city in need of such intervention? Tell me, what is this work you are doing?”
“We market one of the most needed products in your kingdom. Many people work with us on the side, and we set them up to make significant extra cash flow. We are expanding fast and need more help right now in this area. Do you know someone with a great personality like yours who could use more income on the side?”
Pharaoh began to grow agitated again. “Minister, you must tell me the actions you are taking if you wish for me to agree to them.”
“I teach people how to earn a substantial additional income working from home. It’s one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I started doing it part time two years ago, and I’ve never looked back. It has given me the opportunity to pursue my passion and have extra time to spend with my family. Do you happen to know anyone that could use an additional stream of income?”
Pharaoh called forth his royal guardsman, and he beheaded the minister. And so it was that Pharaoh never learned that his dream was prophesying the next plague that was to come.
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Deaf of the firstborn.
“Did I hear that right?” Moses asked.
“Exactly,” said the Lord.
The Egyptians' food is always too hot or too cold, and no amount of further heating or cooling will get it right.
Every time two Egyptians pass each other while walking, they both move the same direction to avoid colliding, and then both move the same direction again to fix it, and only after the third or fourth awkward shift might the Lord allow them to continue.
It came to pass that Chedorlaomer, king of Elam, led a fleet of ships through the Red Sea, to showcase his wealth to the other leaders of the region and seek exotic artifacts to bring home. In that same summer, Pharaoh led a spice trading expedition to Medina. The two fleets came within sight of each other on the open water, only the sky and sea visible unto the horizon in all directions. Each head ship raised a white and blue flag, to indicate their desire to pass peaceably. Pharaoh’s envoy suggested that the fleet change tack to the east to pass the Elamite ships, signaling respect for the Elamite custom of visiting loved ones at the beginning of the day.
After an hour, the ships were close enough that the Egyptians could see the intricately carved bowhead of Chedorlaomer, and the Elamites could see Pharaoh’s jackal-headed masts. The navigator called out that both fleets had turned the same direction, and were headed for collision.
“They must have turned east to respect our worship of Ra,” said the envoy. “We should now change tack to the west instead of continuing east, indicating that the day belongs to them and we did not intend to disturb their path forward.”
Two more hours passed. As the sun grew low in the horizon, both fleets drew near it, and Pharaoh thought he could identify Chedorlaomer upon the deck a mere league away. “Oh Gods, this is so embarrassing,” Pharaoh said.
“It will be alright!” the envoy peeped, his voice shrill and shaking. “They must have turned west to submit that Ra favors Egypt. If we turn East again, the apology will be accepted and the day will end amicably.”
Another hour passed, and Pharaoh paced the deck for its entire duration, stealing flustered glances at the incredulous faces of the Elamite elite. At last the two head ships were close enough for the kings to speak to each other.
“I’m sorry, I—”
“No, that was totally our fault, we thought that—”
“We thought you would go east because of—”
“Because of your gods, yes, but we knew you knew that so we—”
“Guess we should get going?”
“Yeah, we’ll uh, we’ll just go through this way—”
The sun had gone down by this time. And so it took the entire night for the two fleets, dozens of ships in each, to bump and slip through each other, snagging on ropes and denting hulls.
Pharaoh, so mortified that he could not bear to think about the experience again, had the envoy thrown overboard, then retreated into his quarters for two days. When he emerged, his panic at the thought of facing Chedorlaomer again resurfaced every time he looked upon the water. Finally, he ordered his ships to turn around, catch up to the Elamite fleet, and destroy every last soul that had witnessed the encounter.
The subsequent war between the two kingdoms lasted 57 years.
Even more locusts.